Quanta's Problem Solving"
  
 After every flight, Qantas' pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe  sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, & then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are  some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots & the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
  
 (P= The problem logged by the pilot.) (S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
 
 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
  
 P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
 S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
  
 P: Something loose in cockpit.
 S: Something tightened in cockpit.
  
 P: Dead bugs on windshield.
 S: Live bugs on backorder.
  
 P: Autopilot in altitudehold mode produces a 200 feet per minute  descent.
 S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
  
 P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
 S: Evidence removed.
  
 P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
 S: DME volume set to more believable level.
  
 P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
 S: That's what they're for.
  
 P: IFF inoperative.
 S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
  
 P: Suspected crack in windshield.
 S: Suspect you're right.
  
 P: Number 3 engine missing.
 S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
  
 P: Aircraft handles funny.
 S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, & be serious.
  
 P: Target radar hums.
 S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
  
 P: Mouse in cockpit.
 S: Cat installed.
  
 P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
 S: Took hammer away from midget.